The Secret to Life: Confidence
I was a shy little girl hiding behind my mom’s legs at every social gathering. When asked to speak up in class, I would practice what to say several times before my name was called on. I didn’t have the courage to go up to a cashier at a ice cream parlor to ask for a small scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream. I was like this for the majority of my life. I used to walk with my face down while walking through my high school hallways. It was tough for me to receive compliments because I simply didn’t believe it. I blamed a majority of things that went wrong on myself rather than considering the uncontrollable. In my head, that’s just what made the most sense - I thought everyone else was much better than who I was. I didn’t see myself as having any skills.
I distinctly remember googling “how to be confident” in 11th grade because it was the only source of advice I could turn to. To this day, I still remember the unexpected answer the WikiHow article provided: “Walk with purpose” and “Make eye contact”. It sounded silly but it was a small change I could make in my day to day life. I decided to try it out.
“How you carry yourself communicates a lot to other people, so make sure you're telling them that you're confident and in-charge. Keep your shoulders back, your spine straight, and your chin high. Walk with purpose instead of dragging your feet, and sit up straight. When you look like a confident person on the outside, you'll be approached as one by the world around you.”
source: https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Confident
This is an important concept to wrap your brain around so let’s take a minute to understand it. Our brain works in a funny way. Sometimes you have to trick it. You have to pretend (yes, pretend!) to be confident and trick your brain into believing you are. The power of thought is really strong. In the past, I’ve overcome and tricked my brain into believing many things. A lot of which has helped me learn to love myself on many different levels. I won’t dive into it in this article but the premise is simple. Even if you’re not confident, start practicing carrying yourself with confidence. At first, it will feel awkward and hard. Once you keep repeating this, your brain will start believing that in fact you are confident in yourself. And over time, this becomes true. Your body language and your trick turns into truth. The magic is unreal.
While I’ve overcome this huge shift in my personality years ago, there are still times I feel insecure and small in this world. Therefore to this day, I still practice this skill when I’m in an uncomfortable setting (airports, conferences, work, etc.). Now let’s talk about why confidence is such an important skill to have and what you can do to work on this process.
Why being confident in yourself is important
Self-confidence is rooted in who you truly are. You’ll become comfortable being in your own skin despite acknowledging your weaknesses. You’ll learn how valuable you are and have a sense of self-worth. This in turn leads to a positive mindset and a drive to handle any difficulties moving forward.
Knowing that you are capable helps with your career in immeasurable ways. You’re now ready to take on the next big project or are ready for the next promotion without doubting if you can handle it. You know you can. You’re ready for what’s bigger and better. Instead of the low self-confidence holding you back, your new found self-confidence boosts you up for bigger and better things.
You are now continuously learning and being the best version of yourself. Gone are the days you sat around hating yourself. You now have a better relationship with your partner (or it’s easier to find one) and with your friends. You’re no longer the negative nancy or afraid and sad by comparing yourself to others. You slowly learn to love yourself just the way you are. Because honestly, you’re perfect <3
Causes of low self-esteem/confidence
There are many, many causes of low self-esteem. From my personal experience, this occurs a lot more in teenagers and continues to stay a part of us until we learn how to get out of it. I’ve quoted a few causes from betterhealth.com below.
“Unhappy childhood where parents (or other significant people such as teachers) were extremely critical
Poor academic performance in school resulting in a lack of confidence
Ongoing stressful life event such as relationship breakdown or financial trouble
Poor treatment from a partner, parent or carer, for example, being in an abusive relationship
Ongoing medical problem such as chronic pain, serious illness or physical disability
Mental illness such as an anxiety disorder or depression.”
source: https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/self-esteem
In addition to these, it can also be bullying, harassment, or humiliation of sorts along with any trauma we might’ve faced. Lastly, it could be the constant comparison we do with other people. Social media is a huge cause of this. Trying to be someone else or chasing perfection can really damage your self-confidence. We’ve got to learn to love ourselves and be happy with who we are.
How you can build your confidence day by day
To build confidence, you need to first take a look at all your accomplishments to date. You’ve come so far and your journey is one of a kind. Be proud of yourself.
Write down a list of your accomplishments and strengths while you’re at it!
Include anything/everything you’re proud of!
Set some small goals for yourself.
Keep it very small and achievable. Progress through these goals one at a time. The confidence comes automatically. Personally, I’ve felt the most confident, the more I keep achieving my dreams. While it helps to get external validation, learn to internally validate yourself. Running is a great example of this. Set a target to finish 1 mile of running, then 2, then 3, by the time you run 5 miles, you’ll have already built up confidence from your previous runs. Take it slow, one mile at a time. Big dreams but small steps each and everyday.
Dress up to feel good on the outside which automatically will make you feel good on the inside!
When we feel good on the outside, we are more likely to feel good on the inside. This in turn boosts our attitudes and self-confidence and supplies us with more energy to treat ourselves and others around us better. It can also be a great way to improve your motivation and achieve success in any challenge that you are facing.
Keep an Accomplishment Folder
One thing I still do is keep an ‘accomplishment’ folder on my phone and on my laptop. Anytime I receive positive feedback, a compliment, or anything that makes me happy, I’ll screenshot and save it in that folder. Then when times get difficult and I start having wavering confidence, I go back to read some of these comments. You’ll be surprised how much it helps.
Be patient with yourself and know that you’ve a lot to offer to the world with your amazing qualities.
Remember that this is a process. Your confidence won’t boost over night but there are steps you can take everyday to build on it overtime