define who you want to be
Lebo Peele
I grew up in an environment where the young were meant to be seen and not heard. I wish I could say I had a rebellious spirit and defied this rule enforced by elders but alas, in my adolescence I didn't have the nerve. A sad outcome of this was that in many aspects of my life, I felt my actions and behaviors were performative to elicit a desired emotional response from others. Appeasement, excitement, laughter… I attempted to elicit whatever emotion I thought the other wanted, despite my feeling none of those emotions. From the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People the author Stephen Covey wrote, "Today we come across an individual who behaves like an automation, who does not know or understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person that he is supposed to be". For whatever reason, it seems this behavior is widespread. Perhaps it's a response based on personality types, culture, or religious background. I can't speak to the reason how this came to be, but what I want to share is how I overcame this habit.
I wish I could tell you my journey was quick and easy and without internal resistance, but that would be a lie. What I learned for myself is wanting to stop wasn't enough; I needed to actively make the decision. I'm sure this sounds redundant to you. If I wanted to do something, then wasn't I making the decision to do it? Let me tell you about that pesky internal resistance I mentioned. Something I'd like to emphasis while again referencing Stephen Covey; behaviors create habits but fortunately, habits can be unlearned. It's fascinating how we can want to change and improve ourselves for the better, but sometimes we get in our own way of achieving our goals and desires. And for me my internal resistance came from fear, an irrational fear. These thoughts ruminated in my mind: 'but this is my character', 'this is my identity', 'who am I if I don't perform?' The fear to change was greater than my want to change and so for years this internal battle continued.
For me it took honest self-reflection through journaling, the help of good friends, numerous self-help books and a therapist to overcome my internal resistance. This was my first step and I feel it was the most important step because I could finally accept that all those thoughts weren't true. My behavior reflected my character, but it's not a character I wanted to hold onto. My behavior reflected my identity up to that point, but I chose for it not to be my identity any longer. I discovered when I practiced being the person I wanted to be and chose not to perform, I was still liked, I was still accepted, but most importantly my emotions were reflected honestly. Simply put when I don't perform, I'm still enough.
Making the decision to no longer behave in my old ways became easier after that. I won't deny there are days when I stumble but each day is an improvement and that's my focus.
Someone said the journey of 1000 miles starts with the first step. So I encourage you to take that first step to courageously define who you want to be because you are enough, you are capable, and you are worthy to achieve everything you desire.