Where Is Your Fear Coming From?
dar-pok (n): scaredy-cat. A word my parents called me for as long as I could remember.
I vividly remember hiding behind my mom as a kid away from people, dangers of the world, and definitely any public speaking. I had never been away from my parents until the age of 18 when I left the comfort of my home to go to college. I didn’t have sleepovers growing up and I had always known the safety of home. I started fearing everything and when it came time for me to start my own life, it definitely wasn’t easy.
We all have fear inside of us. In fact the fear starts the moment we take our first breath. I read a book called “Reconciliation: Healing of the Inner Child” by Thich Nhat Hanh recently and it specifies the original fear and original desire we have in all of us. The original fear comes as soon as a child is born. When you’re umbilical cord is cut off, you’re left alone. You’re afraid of being alone and for the first time since inception, you are learning how to survive on your own. Which leads to the original desire of being loved. We all feel this in one sense or another. We are afraid of being alone and we want to be loved. It sounds so simple but there are many complex layers to it.
You’re afraid of being alone. And you desire being loved.
When I turned 18, stepping out in the real world was scary. Going to college, meeting new people, living and surviving on my own were all things I had to figure out for the first time. Every decision was a battle with fear. Upon graduating, I moved 2000+ miles away to a state I didn’t know anyone. Fkn scary.
Since then: I’ve asked for promotions & received them, spoken on stage in front of 200+ people, led several mentorship programs, quit a job I love, travelled to a different country solo, and now am taking a chance on myself.
Is this the same person you’re talking about? As surprising as it sounds, yes. These are all my stories. How?
Instead of avoiding and running away from these big decisions, I try to face them. I no longer am small enough or have my mom around to hide behind. What I do is simple: I INVITE my fear to come up, ask where it’s coming from, understand the reasoning, and create a plan of action.
I want to take a quick second to highlight “ask where it’s coming from”. Take a moment to ponder upon that question. Why are you afraid? Very few times the fear comes from real threats but more likely your fear is an imagined scenario that has never happened before. In fact the chances of that fear coming true is miniscule.
I did an exercise not too long ago to write down my worst possible fear and how you would dig yourself out of it. What steps would you take? Once you realize that situations aren’t as bad in reality as they are in your head, you will be much better off creating that plan of action. Instead of relying on that instant anxiety and fear telling you not to do something, just take 5 minutes to understand the reasoning behind it. Ask yourselves if it’s coming from you or someone else. Is it a threat to life or is the worst thing simply embarrassment in front of friends? Once you’ve written this down, it becomes much easier to tackle the decision and overall fear.
Steps to face your fear:
Invite the fear to come up
Ask yourself “Where is it coming from?”
Is it from your imagination? Is it from your parents or others in society? Is it a threat to life or is it embarrassment?
Understand the reasoning behind your fear.
Create a plan of action.
How are you going to tackle this feeling? What steps can you take in this moment to go after your fear?