Real Talk: Life Is Hard
I write a lot about the positive parts of life. About having an open mindset, loving yourself, reaching for greater career steps, and unlocking your full potential. Today, I want to take a moment to acknowledge the other side of it too. The "dark" side if you will. A lot of this stems from what I've been going through the past couple of months and I want to share it to ground our thoughts on how not everything is rainbows and butterflies. And that’s okay too.
Ever since last July, I have been having a really hard time accepting the realities of the world. I've had to rewire my brain in terms of relationships, friendships, career, and even my mental and physical health.
In "normal" conditions, I would sleep within five minutes of going to bed and since July of 2020, I've had nightmares almost daily. I had trouble falling asleep and I had trouble staying awake. I quickly ran out of energy but my persistent brain kept pushing myself to make it just through the day. I would feel so guilty for ordering food when I had groceries and could've easily prepped something. I started feeling guilty for turning my camera off during meetings because I didn't have the energy to do my make-up and be customer facing ready. I couldn't concentrate on what was happening right in front of me. Every new piece of information would clog my brain up even more and add another layer of stress. Every day, every minute of my day, I would have internal squabbles with myself. "Radhika, just go work out" "I don't feel like it today" "Radhika, get up and make breakfast" "Ugh, do I have to?" "Radhika, what happened to you?" "You're right - this isn't me at all.” Constantly. Back and forth. About every little thing. I was in constant disagreement with myself. Adjusting to living alone and moving to a city where I knew no one took a toll on me. As hard as it is, the reason I’m sharing this is to show that it’s important to acknowledge the hardships in life and be real with yourself.
Because trust me, I tried getting out of this rut. I tried settings goals, I tried making to-do lists, I tried watching comforting TV shows, but nothing helped. Months later, I decided to call a friend. We had talked about something similar in the past and I told him what I'd been going through. After listening to me ramble for an hour, he said "Radhika, you need to forgive yourself." What? What did that mean? He continued by saying "Well, I've known you for a long time and I know that you're going to do great things in the future. You already are! But you put too much pressure on yourself. Stop worrying so much and forgive yourself for once. Forgive yourself if you haven't worked out. Forgive yourself if you just want to sleep in and watch TV. In fact, embrace it and be a hobo for a little bit." I still wasn't getting it until he told me to try it out for a week and see how I feel. He told me to let go of every commitment and just do the bare minimum for my job. I tried to not do dishes, not do laundry, and not shower if I didn't feel like it. Just completely let go and be lazy. It was hard but I tried it. and WOW, my head became more clear than ever. I still felt very guilty but I trained my mind and body to relax and to forgive. Of course a lot of work was to be done after that to get back into the routine of things but that became the least of my worries. And that - that felt hella good.
So my biggest takeaway for you here is that it's okay. Life happens. Things can get fucked. And yes, it sucks. And that’s that. Nothing you can do about it. But let's both learn to accept the reality and forgive ourselves for it.
Let’s be real.